My Morning Beauty Routine


My Morning Beauty Routine

My beauty routine begins with an elixir. There’s so many fads these days surrounding what you do first thing in the morning (drink warm celery water? Lemon boot juice? Covfefe?) that I really wanted to try one. With my digestion issues, I’ve opted for an apple cider vinegar drink with turmeric, which is supposed to boost your immune system, fight inflammation, and promote good digestion. Then, I smoke one cigarallo (like a cigar, but smaller) while standing outside by the subway entrance.

There are amazing health benefits to my morning elixir drink, especially considering the tickle I’ve been having in my throat. The tickle involves severe coughing fits, sometimes accompanied by wheezing deep down in my bronchioles. I coughed up blood the other day but my pediatrician told me it was probably just ketchup. However, just in case it could be a cold, I’m not taking any chances! Later, when I smoke my morning cigar outside the subway station, I make sure to wrap my neck in a big scarf to keep the area warm.

Directly following my morning elixir, I begin my skincare routine. Not to brag, but I have pretty good skin, so I try not to mess with it by using too many products. I’ll opt for a mild, milky cleanser like Cetaphil, then a moisturizer with SPF. Someone told me that SPF is not only preventative, but restorative as well, and without looking into this AT ALL, I decided I’d start wearing SPF. I don’t need to read an article or any sort of science to back this up, because to be honest, an anecdote about skincare is really enough to convince me these days. I’ll try anything any one person says is good once in passing. For instance, one time I saw a man angrily smoking a cigarillo outside the subway entrance at 7:30am, and without discussing with him, I caught on to the fad and decided to start doing it myself.

In the winter, I’m not exposed to the sun a lot, so it calms me to know that the sunscreen is not all for nought; that it’s restoring my skin too. SPF, after all, does stand for Super Perfect Friendship. My morning moisturizer is my best friend, and my morning cigarillo is my other best friend.

It’s also calming to know that when I am in the sun, like when I’m smoking my morning cigar outside the subway station for instance, my skin is protected. Of course, the subway I smoke outside of is almost always in the shade (dark, wet, ominous) so I’m pretty protected.

The moisturizer with SPF I’m using now was gifted to the office I work at, so I snagged it from the conference room before anyone else could take it. It’s a celebrity brand and I’m kind of embarrassed to tell you who the celebrity is. Fine, it’s a Steven Spielberg brand because he apparently does skincare now (the brand is called “E.T. Beauty”). As a wildly successful filmmaker and nothing more, Mr. Spielberg doesn’t strike me as a skincare professional, so I don’t feel quite confident yet in saying I buy into his recommendations. However, I do feel confident in how I’ve managed to mimic the morning routine of an angry, potentially psychotic man that smokes an early morning cigarillo outside of the subway station. I feel good about taking after him.

I have been noticing a small patch of dry skin around my mouth though, and general dullness across the board. Could potentially be due to the cold temperatures in NYC this Winter. When I smoke my morning cigar outside the subway station, the wind will hit my face and sometimes blow smoke into it. I’ll use a heavier moisturizer if I’m noticing an irritation due to this. Something like Dane Cook’s brand, known for its strength and heavy-duty restorative properties.

By the time I get to the office, I’m fully refreshed and frankly, glowing! My coworkers have taken to moving their desks further and further away from me, and I believe this to be because they prefer a better angle at my face. It’s harder to see me up close where they used to sit, before I started this new morning beauty routine. I should mention: I smell amazing and look it too. I’ve also made more friends as well, likely because my bright gray skin and the overall essence of health that just radiates off me.

I’m always turning heads when I’m outside the subway station smoking my morning cigarillo. It’s true! No one stares at the old men who do the same, but when they see me angrily smoking a cigarillo outside the subway station at 7am (and also talking to myself at the same time) they take notice!

Regarding my morning cigars: I unfortunately don’t know the brand, but I’ll link something similar below. Be sure to get the kind with a plastic mouthpiece, because then you can smoke the most out of the cigar without having to throw away the end part that gets wet with your saliva. Smoking a wet cigar is not a good look, and will immediately out you as an amateur. Of course, you don’t have to finish the full cigar though: sometimes if I’m in a hurry and I really need to cuss someone out outside of the subway station, I’ll throw my half-lit cigar on the ground before I go chase down this person to yell at them for no reason.

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