For the most part I was a pretty shy kid. I was never too loud or disruptive or silly. However, I’ve always had a tendency towards the theatrical. Here’s a few times I can recall when I really let myself go, either intentionally or unintentionally.
1. I Gave Food Pet Names, Labelled Accordingly (Age 14)
I really like to do things that’ll confuse my friends and family, and this is one of my first memories of doing something random just to see how people react. One day I had the idea to relabel things in the fridge. I took a sharpie and wrote human names on a lot of our stuff like milk, mayo, mustard, etc. Gave them new names like “Tommy” and “Fred” just cuz.
2. I Performed a Group Gymnastic Routine to “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence in a Talent Show (Age 12)
At the time, this seemed like a really good, badass idea.
It was really bad and I guaranteed we looked like this (but with more eyeliner and a black tutu):
3. I Started An Under-12 Wine Revolution (Age 13)
Another story of throwing something out there and just seeing how people react.
As the oldest of a ton of cousins, I’d make them participate in my “games” (which I now realize were either devised plays or full on happenings). For whatever reason, one night at a dinner party I convinced them all to march around the house (literally around the house, from room to room) chanting “SAY NO TO PINOT.” Like a wink-wink to all our parents who were drinking wine.
The adults thought it was funny and cute, but I was hoping they’d be a little offended and more quizzical. I remember really wanting to be asked “why are you so against Pinot, Megan?” so that I could make up some fake answer, but no one really cared enough, unfortunately. They just knew I was weird and went along with it.
4. I Cried About Food (Age 11-Present)
Yea, so there’s really only a few things in the world that can instantly upset me, as my friends can attest: don’t mess with my sleeping schedule, and don’t deny me food.
I have a really bad habit of getting emotionally invested in food. One time my Dad kindly brought home a Jamba Juice smoothie for me, and once I tasted the “boost” in it, I started crying and was genuinely just really devastated. I emailed Jamba Juice complaining about how their boosts don’t blend well enough into the smoothies.
Another time (I don’t remember this but apparently my entire family/family friends do) I started crying and throwing a fit because my Mom bought three cupcakes, and my sisters grabbed the good ones before I had a chance to choose. Apparently I kept yelling “HOW DARE YOU LEAVE ME THE BUTTHOLE FLAVOR CUPCAKE!” while sobbing. My sister filmed me doing it on her phone (oh yeah, this was recent apparently…) and showed it to everyone at a dinner party a bit later when I was out of the room. Apparently I walked in on her screening the video and started crying even more. I’m so fun at parties!
5. My Favorite Song Was “Party All The Time” by Eddie Murphy (Age 10)
I discovered “I Love The 80s” and all those VH1 shows in middle school, and apparently I was so affected that I legitimately wrote in our fifth-grade yearbook (the kind where they xerox a page per kid and bind it as a book and give it to everyone) that my favorite song was “Party All The Time” by Eddie Murphy. For all the kids who only knew me in fifth grade, that stupid yearbook is how I’ll be remembered. To some people, my legacy is being really into Eddie Murphy as a musician.
6. I Kept A Condiment Collection in My Desk Drawer
My desk only had three drawers, and being thirteen, I didn’t have much use for all three. The drawer in the middle became devoted to my condiment collection. I kept ketchup packets, mustard packets, mayonnaise packets, relish, jam… anything that was supposedly a food product but was small and mostly a liquid goo and in a plastic pouch. I’d go out to eat and find an obscure condiment packet, like horse radish or something nasty, and I’d take it home and put it in the drawer. My Grandma, always a supporter of my quirks, started collecting them for me, and every time she’d take a trip somewhere she’d bring me back new and exciting condiments! The best part of the collection was anytime someone misheard me and thought I was a thirteen year old with a condom collection. The worst part was that I had a ton of gross mayonnaise and stuff just lying around all warm in my desk.
7. I Was A Huge Fan of Mitchel Musso (Age 15)
I was embarrassingly not really a kid during this stage. My sisters and I really liked the show Hannah Montana, so obviously I had a crush on Mitchel Musso. As the internet was just becoming a thing, I found out how I could stalk him on there, and I would read his “blog” like every day. He would update his “fans” on his “life” using his “blog” and then I’d comment stupid things and hope he’d read it.
Then I discovered he was doing a “concert” two hours away from my house, and I lied to my Dad and said it started way earlier than it actually did, so we ended up being the first “fans” to show up. My sister and I were front row for his “set” which was really bad (thankfully I knew and acknowledged that at the time). He did a signing afterwords and I had him sign a photo from some Tiger Beat magazine I had ripped out. And that was the second time I met him, sooo…
8. I Held A Feminist Seance With My Gal Pals (Age 11)
The movie “The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” had just come out, and my friends and I were really aware of it (yet didn’t actually watch or read it) because all our moms read it in book club. Me and about five other girls decided we wanted to seal our friendship with a a ceremony involving swapping blood and lighting candles and other creepy stuff. I held a slumber party at my house, and at midnight we went out to our secret outdoor gathering. We carved out a circle in my backyard, set a boundary line around it with stones, and dug a hole in the middle to lay out candles. When it came down to the prick-your-fingers-and-bleed-together part, we kinda couldn’t cut it so to speak. There was talks of someone getting her brothers’ diabetes finger-pricker, but in the end we just tried to slice our fingers with a knife and it didn’t really work. I think we just figured the symbolism was enough and called it a day.
9. I performed “Hollaback Girl” by Gwen Stefani in front of my entire middle school (Age 12)
I thought I really had to step it up for my student council speech. I was running for something stupid like “Secretary” or “Vice President” (as I’ve been known to do–always a bridesmaid never a bride!) and I wanted to do something lasting since a documentary crew was filming our student council elections. I definitely did not make the cut of the film, yet I sang an adapted version of “Hollaback Girl” complete with a cheerleading costume at the school assembly, as part of my “speech.” Lyrics were about how I’m “responsible” and “gonna be a great VP” or something dumb like that.
10. I Wrote A Musical Based Off of “Mr. Roboto” by Styx (Age 11)
I must’ve just been really inspired by “Mr. Roboto” by Styx cuz I wrote a satirical musical based off the lyrics of the song. The plot was about a cabaret show whose cast was infiltrated by robots, and the manager of the show had to reveal that it was all his fault, (dramatic end-of-song lyrics “I’M KILROY… KILROY… KILROY…” signified his confession.) Costume design included chic black trash bag dresses (arm and neck holes cut out) which were for the “Mr. Roboto” number. I printed a script and performed it for my parents and that was it.